Here and Now
by ilovetvalot
Summary: Can Aaron explain his complicated feelings to Spencer? Hotch/Reid


_**Author's Note**: We're excited to announce our Round 3 of our Fanfic Challenge on Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum. The __**Dealer's Choice August Challenge**__ is a great way to stretch your writing muscles! Please see the forum for further details. We'd love to have you! And please visit the forum to read our latest interviews with the simply amazing **SussiRay and cmfanbex**__! __We've also added four new discussion threads, **"Let's Talk about Chapter Length"** where author's discuss how long the ideal chapter should be,__ **"The Art of the Well Written Sex Scene"** for those of us that struggle with those intimate moments in our stories and **"Let's Take a Good Thing and Make it Better"** to gather suggestions on how to make this forum even bigger and brighter, and our newest thread, **"What's on Your Bookshelf"** where readers tell us about the published books and authors that inspire them. Please drop by and check it out._

**Here & Now**

Releasing a harsh animalistic groan torn from his throat by the white hot pleasure searing his body, Aaron Hotchner collapsed against the sweaty back of the much slighter body beneath him. His mind reeled as he tried to latch on to a coherent thought, failing miserably. Finding the strength to roll weakly to his side lest he crush his generous lover, he struggled to breath.

Christ, he'd needed that. That escape from the harsh realities of their job, those tightly lidded emotions he kept carefully under lock and key needing an outlet, if only for an hour out of time. "You okay?" he asked hoarsely, dropping his hand into his lover's hair, caressing the other man's scalp lightly.

"Mmmnnnhhhh," was the only reply he got.

Smiling faintly, he knew he'd tired out the other man. Already exhausted, his surprise midnight visit to his colleague's hotel room hadn't exactly been conducive to rest. Although, he definitely felt more relaxed after the mind numbing release he'd just experienced inside Reid's lithe body.

Finally lifting the head he'd buried in his pillow to muffle his hoarse cries, Reid slowly turned his head to look into Hotch's dark satiated eyes. "I'm fine," he smiled lazily, his lips stretching loosely. "You didn't break me. Although, I'm pretty sure I might have to visit your chiropractor when we get home."

"I needed you," Hotch confided huskily, rolling to his side, bringing him face to face with Reid. With this amazing, giving, all-knowing man.

"Me or the release?" Spencer asked softly, still even after months of sleeping with the other man unwilling to decide if it was him that Hotch desired or simply the physical release that his body could bring to the handsome man resting beside him.

"Both," Hotch said deeply, his eyes boring into Spencer's, silently willing the younger man to recognize the depth of his affection for him. He'd never been great with communicating his feelings. He could talk down an unsub any day of the week, but baring his soul...his innermost secrets to another, even another as special as Spencer Reid, was something he still couldn't bring himself to do.

He could tell by the emotion shining in Spencer Reid's expressive eyes, though, that the genius needed more. That he needed something he could hang on to and more than anything, Hotch wanted to provide that assurance to him.

"Hey," he murmured, his voice a low purr in the otherwise quiet bedroom as he twined strong fingers with Spencer's seemingly delicate hand, "here and now, in these moments, I feel like me, Spencer. Like I can handle anything hurled at me. YOU do that for me...give me that strength."

"I...I do?" Spence stuttered, stunned by Hotch's words. This was the first time the stoic man had ever voiced any thoughts regarding his inner feelings, and the moment suddenly seemed surreal.

"You do," Hotch confirmed gravely, squeezing the hand he held. "I know I don't do a great job of explaining myself, Spencer. Hell, I don't really do any kind of job at all where that's concerned, do I?" Hotch groaned, lifting his free hand to run his fingers self-consciously through his dark locks.

"You are kind of a closed book," Reid murmured. "But that's okay," he added quickly, lifting wide eyes to Hotch's face, "I understand."

"You don't," Hotch murmured with a negative shake of his tussled head. "And I'm not sure how to explain it," he admitted tiredly.

"W-would you try, Aaron," Reid asked shyly, using Hotch's given name nervously. But, he reasoned with himself, as men that had been lovers for months, it was time to mark a few milestones off the list. Intimacy provided certain rights, didn't it?

Smiling softly at the anxious young man sharing the bed with him, Hotch whispered, "I can make a good faith attempt, but..."

"Just say what's in your heart," Reid said quietly, leaning softly against the pillows.

Licking his lips, Hotch began slowly, "When I was married to Haley, I learned early on to guard myself, Reid. That if I showed her any weakness, she'd, for lack of a better work, exploit it. Nothing I said was ever right. Nothing I did was ever good enough. And she always demanded more than I could give her. I don't want to make that mistake here."

"I don't want anything from you except you, Aaron," Reid replied immediately, sincerely, shaking his head as he tried to convey his true feelings.

"I know...it's just sometimes, I don't know how much of me there is left for you to have," Hotch answered hoarsely. "All I know that here in these moments that I share with you, I don't feel like a shell. I can just be."

"You have more than enough left for me, Aaron," Reid whispered, leaning forward to press his warm lips to Aaron's. "I guess I just wanted to know if..." he broke off, swallowing past the emotion clogging his throats.

"If what, Spencer?" Hotch murmured, brushing his fingers along Reid's jaw.

Courage, Reid thought. Be brave. Intimacy also demanded honesty, didn't it? "If you could ever love me," he whispered, dropping his gaze away from the other man's probing eyes.

Heart constricting as he listened to the lost note singing in Reid's voice, Hotch sighed. Hell, he'd known this moment of truth would eventually arrive. He'd just never expected it tonight. Love was such an intricate tangle of emotion. A scary vow for someone that knew the pain that true love could entail. But he couldn't lie to the young man with a fragile heart.

"I already love you, Spencer," Hotch said solemnly. "That's never been a question for me. I've never been uncertain about what I felt. I've just never wanted to put you through the pain of being in love with someone like me."

"Someone like you?" Reid asked incredulously, his eyes widening astronomically. "You mean, an honorable, decent, dedicated, loyal, and let's not forget, honest man? Yeah, I can do SO much better," he snorted in sarcasm, his eyes watering at Hotch's startling revelation.

"You're forgetting the obsessive, overbearing, anal, controlling asshole that I can be," Hotch replied evenly.

"Not forgetting, eidetic memory, remember?" Reid returned, tapping his temple. "I simply don't see those characteristics as the detractions that you do," he offered with a shake of his head. "All those things...they make you the man I fell in love with. And I wouldn't change anything, Aaron. Nothing."

And as Spencer leaned forward to kiss him gently, Hotch was reminded of one of love's qualities that he'd long forgotten.

True love could heal even the most battered of hearts.

_**Finis**_


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